By Karan Thapar

Etiquette is one of those little things that we in India are usually unaware of. Or, to be more honest, we adopt a cavalier attitude towards it. We dismiss the niceties of conversation as inessential. For instance, how often do we say 'please' when we ask for something? For that matter, how often do we say 'thank you' when we get it? In both cases I suspect the answer is : rarely.

In contrast – and it immediately strikes you when you go abroad – foreigners tend to be meticulous and particular about courtesy. For them it's not just a matter of breeding but also good manners. Walk out of a London shop after picking up a parcel and if you haven't said 'thank you' there's a good possibility the attendant will shout it out after you! It can be hugely embarrassing.

But etiquette, of course, is more than just saying the right thing at the right time. It's also a matter of knowing what you are doing and ensuring that your inefficiency or ignorance does not offend, even if unintentionally. Let me give you another example. When you don't know someone well but, nonetheless, wish to invite them there's a way of doing so. You can either extend a formal written invitation or telephone, introduce yourself and do it personally. But to simply get your secretary to ring up and believe the deed is done is both pompous and discourteous.

In reverse, when you can't attend a function to which you've been invited it's expected that you will reply and say so. The little initials at the bottom of invitation cards 'RSVP' (incidentally, they don't stand for reply soon via post but respondez sil vous plait, which is French for please reply) are neither decoration nor intended to be ignored. Of course, we in India merrily overlook them.

In fact our behaviour is so inexplicable that even after a guest has been invited and has accepted there is no guarantee he or she will turn up. Quite often and without explanation they don't. Which is why secretaries busy themselves days, or sometimes hours, before a party double and triple checking on guests who have allegedly already confirmed. It's interesting to note how many people still drop out at this stage.

Some of the clever ones – at least by their own description! – accept multiple invitations and spend the evening driving the length of the city to put in a brief appearance at each function they've been invited to. Unable to say no to anyone they say yes to everyone. They think by their mere presence they please. Their hosts, I suspect, think otherwise.

However, there is one lapse of etiquette which is uniquely Indian – perhaps even more than accepting and not turning up. And that's the assumption that every male guest over thirty must be married. Consequently, invitations are usually addressed to a couple even if the host only knows the male. Now, if someone has taken the trouble to first establish that the man is married this is most desirable. But to do so without making that initial enquiry could lead to embarrassing mistakes. Would you, for example, address an invitation to a divorced man or a widower with the title 'Mr. & Mrs.'? It would be an indelicate reminder of either the divorce or his wife's death.

Alas, this happens to me frequently and usually I overlook it. But when an invitation from the President of India is thus addressed I find it almost unforgivable. He, at least, has an office to check such details. More importantly, he has a position and decorum to maintain. And, of course, correctness is the politeness of presidents!

So this Independence Day I would like to thank Mr. Kalam for the invitation to his garden party. It was kind of him to think of me. But next time could he please tell his staff to be more careful how they address his guests. After all, would he send Sonia Gandhi an invitation addressed to 'Mr. & Mrs. Rajiv Gandhi'? Or would he invite Mr. Vajpayee along with 'his wife'?

One expects the President to establish and maintain certain standards. Since there's little he can do to improve the morals or the politics of our country he can, at least, take a few steps to raise decorum and etiquette. It would be ironic if this lesson was only learnt the day he receives an invitation addressed to 'Mr. & Mrs. Kalam'!